Toxic relationships is a hot topic for this generation. From what I gather, people are tired of giving passes to the people that have damaged them mentally and emotionally. Relationships are ending left and right because of the trauma and pain individuals have have endured in them. It seems very logical to cut someone off who has quite possibly stunted your growth. I mean, who wants to be around the person who has contributed to their emotional instability?

While I understand the rationale, my heart bends toward conflict resolution and reconciliation. I cringe when I hear about someone cutting off a family member or long time friend. It’s not from a place of judgement, but sadness, that they couldn’t figure out how to make things work. I understand that we do the best we can and we do what’s best for us, most of the time. I understand that relationships won’t always be perfect. But my hope is that there’s someone involved who is resilient enough to withstand the trials of the relationship so that it has a fair chance at succeeding. However, going separate ways may be the best thing in certain situations. Who knows? Each situation is different.

This is a conversation about challenging relationships and how we can have them and our sanity, too.

First of all….

What is our obligation to people who have destructive behaviors?

Part of me feels that we determine our obligation to someone based on what the relationship means to us. Some people feel more obligated to family than they do friends, while others have no problem with being estranged from family, but couldn’t imagine walking away from a close friend. We’re probably more driven to make a decision about a strained relationship with someone our lives are tied to. We’re less likely to feel strongly about a co worker or someone we see once or twice a week at church.

What the Bible says about it

The other part of me believes we should feel compelled to make peace with all men, regardless of how we have come to know them.There are many scriptures that teach believers how to interact with the people who mistreat us, but ultimately we have to make a decision on our own about how we proceed in relationship.

As a believer, there’s this unspoken expectation to be a peace maker and to have patience with people, based on our understanding of the concept of love (See 1 Corinthian 13:4-7). It seems that we interpret the concept of “turning the other cheek” as a commandment give people the opportunity to hurt us over and over, without a fight. And because we aren’t often shown an alternative, more practical reaction to being mistreated repeatedly, we seem to choose the polar opposite response to it, which is some form of ending all communication and contact. The unfortunate reality of that is, both options end up being damaging to at least one, if not all parties involved. There has to be a middle ground though, right?

The thing about love

Love tends to be abstract in expression. At times, we claim “love” is the reason we remain in a situation that is harming us and not bettering the person we’re trying to love. I’ve recently learned that loving someone who hurts you isn’t wrong per se, but its the lack of self-love that gets us in trouble. Self-love allows us to set boundaries that protect both people involved. It also gives us a little bit more room to extend love to the other person in the challenging relationship. Self-love is not easy, especially if it wasn’t emphasized early on in life.

More on self love

A personal belief of mine is that we are the second person responsible for loving ourselves, God being first. I stated that in a previous blog and I said I’d talk about it later. (Here goes.) When it comes to authority figures, parents, family, church leaders, etc, they are responsible for guiding us and caring for us, but to a certain extent. Many of us remain in a broken state because we never pick up the responsibility to care for and protect ourselves, while harboring bitterness and resentment. As a child, pouting never got me what I wanted. And as an adult, grudges don’t either. Please don’t get stuck there. You have the power to establish who you are, what you will accept and what you will reject. You don’t have to believe the negative things that were said to you and about you. You don’t have to remain broken from emotional or mental trauma. It may take work, but it’s possible to rise from those ashes.

Sometimes, we have to step away from those difficult relationships for a moment so that we can settle ourselves in truth and love. A fragile object in a hazardous environment, more than likely will lead to more brokenness than healing. So, if you do intend to remove yourself, I encourage you to do so with the intention of healing and with reconciliation in mind, even if it seems afar off.

I spent years frustrated about relationships that were strained because of decisions I was subjected to as a child. It wasn’t until I took it upon myself to be available and show interest in the bond, that things started to come together. All it took was for me to come out of my pity party and make an effort. Pride told me not to go out of my way, but love said otherwise. Love helped me to identify that the relationship was important to me and worth the work.

Take time to find out where you are. If you can’t handle the relationship because you’re still hurting or fearful of possible pain, do your best to communicate that and help yourself. Perhaps you’ll come back with the strength to love that person in spite of what was. Don’t forget that everyone is on a journey, and 9 times out of 10, at any given moment, they’re doing the best they can.

Lately my internal konversations have been around overcoming the mental trauma from disappoints and bad experiences. I’ve learned those things continue to affect you if you don’t address them. Many of my friends know I have hated surprises for the majority of my adulthood. Not feeling understood and known has made it difficult for me to have a positive outlook on the possibility of them. There’s a lot of pressure to be grateful, regardless of how much the surprise speaks to who you are and what you love and enjoy.

The last time a surprise was planned for me, I spazzed out because it didn’t go as I would have liked. I remember making specific requests about my birthday and I felt they were ignored. After that fiasco, I’m sure my friends didn’t want to find themselves in that predicament ever again. Although I was very forthcoming about my disdain for surprises after that experience, I secretly coveted other friendships where surprise parties and activities were planned for someone. I would conjure up thoughts about not having “real” friends, because I didn’t have the experiences I wanted. I later realized that my unrealistic expectations, entitled attitude and isolation separated me from what I desired. It took me about six years, to identify my error so that I could be positioned to receive what I truly desired.

This year, because my best friend gets me, she gave me the option of being surprised or knowing what she was planning for me. I told her to keep it a surprise. I believe it was the Holy Spirit that whispered to me to allow those who love me the chance to express that love, their way. In my experience, some of my greatest disappointments were linked to passing up one opportunity for another, which ended up being a bust. Low key, I didn’t have a real plan to celebrate my birthday because I feared disappointment. Naturally, I could have planned an independent activity, but in reality I didn’t want to spend it alone. So instead of rejecting the unknown from a promising source, I obliged. There’s a saying that goes, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”, which attempts to protect us from disappointment. It’s not a bad thing to put all your eggs in one basket in every situation. To that I would say, it pays to assess the capability of the basket you’re putting your eggs in. If one basket has failed you in the past, you have a decision to make keeping in mind the risks involved in using that basket again. My point is that I’ve learned that the eggs, my happiness, in this case, is precious cargo and my responsibility. I plan to discuss how to navigate track records in relationships, in an upcoming post. Long story short, the surprise was dinner, an amazing live jazz performance and an impromptu photo shoot. I’m happy I gave surprises another shot.

Best all around.

It was my senior year of high school, and I thought I deserved that superlative because I knew some of everybody, even the outcasts. But of course, Superlatives is a popularity contest, so you don’t win it for knowing the people who aren’t popular. In the present, I still find myself befriending the people no one hangs around. It seems like there’s this magnet inside of me that draws the outcasts to me. These friendships, by the way, have become some of the most rewarding friendships of my life. We’ve endured through each other’s hard times and celebrated each other during our accomplishments. But there was a time when I couldn’t see the good in all of that. There was a time when I thought I deserved a certain type of friend. I remember feeling slighted because I thought I was “good enough” to have “cool” friends. This was before I began to reap the benefits of those relationships. At that time, I was still sowing and all I knew was that I wanted something easier. It took me some time to realize that what was happening with me and through me had little to do with my personality, but it had everything to do with my identity and purpose.

Jesus was known to hang out with the untouchables of his day and the Pharisees called him on it, quite frequently.

In Matthew 9:10-17, Jesus was having dinner with some tax collectors [the equivalent of our present day bill collectors, whose calls we ignore and block] and sinners. The Pharisees asked the disciples why Jesus was eating with the sinners and tax collectors. And before the disciples could say anything, Jesus answered, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor, but sick people do. I desire compassion and not sacrifice. I’ve come for the sinners, not the righteous.”

This passage gave insight to my experience with friendships. I realized that, popular people don’t typically need more friends. And “well-tribed” people don’t need more people to join their tribe, because they’re already surrounded. Who then needs the tribe? The loners and the outcasts. I know, “There’s a reason no one talks to them.” and “They seem weird.” so you wonder what you two would have in common. These are the thoughts we usually have about befriending outcasts or more generally, someone who isn’t “our type”. We often cling to people and things we can relate to, but on the flip side we find ourselves with a narrow worldview, unable to accept lifestyles or choices that don’t mirror our own. But one thing I’ve learned from experience is that befriending someone different than you gives you the opportunity to grow in patience, love and acceptance.

As humans trying to be Christians, we have the tendency to mark off things for our own pleasure and enjoyment, instead of seeing every part of our life as God’s property. For me, I didn’t want friendships to be my form of “ministry” or something that would require more pruning and growth. “At least let me choose my friends, God!” It seemed I didn’t have control of much of anything. God wants that part of my life as well, for His glory. Instead of holding on to who I wanted to be, I had to surrender to the design God fashioned in me. God gave me the ability to see the diamonds in the rough; the precious jewels that had yet to be discovered. These are my type of friends.

The only reason, I felt isolated was because I stepped into the world of a person who had been isolated. As my life aligned with theirs, I felt what it was like to not be invited, checked on or understood. But I was only isolated as long as I felt like I belonged elsewhere. You can either take what’s handed to you or you can work to create what you want. It’s like the difference between starting a business and becoming an owner of an already successful chain restaurant. If you join something that’s already successful, you have a ready made reputation and guaranteed clientele. But when you start a business, you have to identify your market, build your clientele, and you gain a reputation by the opinion of those who experience your product.

I said that to say that there’s nothing wrong with building friendships from the ground up. It’s not always easy but it’s definitely worth it. One thing I know for sure, is that we all have that something, that makes us different and separates us from the majority. Don’t be afraid to lean into that; It’s who you are. And you have the ability to surround yourself with others who understand and appreciate what you have to offer, by just being YOU!

I’d love you to share your journey of identity. Let’s have a Konversation.

Loving the outcasts for the Kingdom…

People mean well.

They really do!

But, I’ve learned that people have to live their own lives and choose their own paths. As much as we don’t like to see the people we love suffer, contrary to popular practice or belief, there isn’t much we can say or do to ensure they don’t make the wrong decisions. We can only be there for them on the other side.

It all started in the garden. 

Since the tempting of the serpent in the garden of Eden, we as humans have a hard time “Taking your word for it.” We now have to see for ourselves. Which is why just telling someone not to do something seldom stops them from doing it, children and adults alike. Then, we tell our anecdotal stories about how a similar situation didn’t work out for us, hoping that those stories will be the proof they need to decide against it, and it still doesn’t work.

One person’s experience doesn’t equate to someone else’s understanding. 

For whatever reason, the person you’re trying to warn, often thinks their situation is just different enough from yours, or someone else’s, that they’ll have a different outcome. Who knows if that’s actually the case, but the more important point here is that everyone is different, including the comparable participants of each of our lives and situations.

We all have separate lives to live and be accountable for, and we can only love people regardless of their choices.

I remember once trying to talk a girl out of dealing with a guy that had done me wrong. Obviously,  I was scared, but I thought I was doing my duty to warn her. Long story short, she didn’t listen to me and now they’re married. (How’s that for a lesson in advice? Ha!)

I don’t know the details of their relationship, and that’s just the point. We seldom know all the details required to make a judgment. Who knows what made her different than me? Who knows what made him settle down? As similar as it seemed in the beginning, her experience wasn’t the same as mine.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to offer advice and guidance, just keep in mind there are many factors involved.

So, if you’re the type that likes to save the world through advice, here are some things that maybe you should consider. (The irony is that this is advice that you may or may not choose to accept. I understand that, and I’m okay with it.)

1. Make sure the person you’re talking to actually wants advice.
   1. Sometimes, we just want a listening ear, not for someone to make a judgment about what we’re thinking, feeling or doing. Before your personal experience bubbles up into a “DON’T DO IT!”, ask them if they’re open to advice at that time.
2. If you feel like someone has made a bad judgment, be careful how you express that.
   1. People do what they think is best in the moment, and at the end of the day, they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of their decisions and actions.  Judgment is not our job, especially because we don’t always know the inward motivations of actions.
3. Try not to look down on people who decide to take their own path.
   1. It’s very likely that someone may make the mistake you warned them of. They may go through with it, even after agreeing that the decision wasn’t in their best interest. Don’t shun them for walking out their path. The same experience you gained after your mistake or learned lesson can happen for them as well.

We can only hope and pray that people gain the lesson in their choices. And if they find it was a mistake, we can only hope they don’t become bound by regret.

Change should be facilitated.

I hope this helps the advice giver and receiver, which ever side you may find yourself on.

Thoughtfully,

Kiana